Denver, CO

People tell me that I will feel better and that it will get easier. I am doing everything I can to try and heal. I’m pouring love into myself, being active, eating well, going to individual as well as group therapy, and so on. I’m just frustrated because I am doing everything right and I desperately want to get better. But it still occupies at least 60 / 70 % of my mental space. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about it. . People in my life will say that I can reach out to them about it whenever I need help, but I could reach out to someone 24/7. I think about it when I wake up, when I drive to work, before I go to bed, when I’m with friends, when I’m doing errands, etc. I miss the person I was before he assaulted me, things were so much easier. I’m so anxious about it that I bite the inside of my cheek without even realizing, but it hurts my mouth. I don’t know what I did to deserve this suffering, and I don’t know what gave him the right. I can’t even touch my own body, and showering is triggering. At this point I don’t know what “better” looks like for me, or if it’s a possibility. I just wish the suffering would end.

My ex had forced me to go down on him when i constantly said no at the moment. I wasnt comfortable and was very new to having even spoken to a guy. In the beginning of the relationship, i had consented to going down on him. I dont know what happend, but in the moment I was absolutely disgusted and did not want to do it. I said “not today” and no a bunch of times. He pushed me from my shoulders and got upset and kept saying “why aren’t you going down”, “get down”, as I kept saying no. I had promised him i would do it, the night before. So now im confused if it was even his fault since I may have gotten him excited to do it, and backed out last minute.

Tw: sa, grooming Hello. I am not in a good situation. When I was little, my stepfather sexually assaulted me. Unfortunely, he manipulated me into thinking it was normal for a good amount of years- and after then, as I grew older, I pushed it to the back of my mind, telling myself it was just a dream. By the time I accepted what had happened- its too late.

I don't have any proof of what happened, and sadly, esp in my area, if someone accuses another of Sexual Assault without any proof, they may be considered lying and could get in trouble. Due to that, I cannot speak up of what happened to get away from my stepdad. With no proof, nothing can be done. I still live my stepdad

After the assault, he turned emotionally abusive for YEARS, calling me terrible things, insulting my looks, my mental health, lots of other emotionally abusive things. He beat me down and made me feel worthless and only what he deemed me as. But then, he suddenly changed.

He is nice, now.

Too nice.

He has gifted me his spare Star Wars books- books VERY special to him. He gives me money to buy myself drinks. He gets me stuff sometimes. He compliments my art, he shows concern over me, he treats me like a good human being. A complete 360. From abusive to suddenly kind. And I've realized I've started to grow attached to him again, caring about him.

Some other things he has done is expose me to nsfw- through the use of nsfw songs in Carrides to school, NSFW jokes, stuff like that. He also made such jokes to my step-brother- his son. My sister brought up how something very serious happened, which caused him not to see his real kids anymore, and she says I'm too young to know what happened. I'm afraid it might be something related

Am I being groomed?

I wanted to leave so many times but I kept falling to the same manipulative bullshit from.him so many times..When he told.me that he told everything about our relationship he told me it was mainly my fault and that it was mutual abuse.. He was the one to convince me that I didn't need my medicine. He cheated on me with his ex that not only did he talk.shit about,.but lied that he "accidentally".sent a pornographic video of his ex to a "friend "and the "friend " posted it to porn hub and doxxing her..He ended up throwing it out that he was the one who posted it as revenge. On top of that, the friends I had during that time either distanced/ghosted/ or cut ties with me as my mental.health deteriorated. And I felt it was A.).Stuff that was my fault that resulted in it B.) I felt I had no one to talk to about the abuse. Even the people in the house who saw it happen I could not trust. Only reason I did not leave was because I did not want to go back to my toxic parents,. especially since my abusive mother lied to me to prevent me from getting Food Stamps. I tried to contact a D.V website on his laptop and he immediately started getting suspicious and smothered me on the couch. I went to work with bruises that day. I also tried to have a conversation with someone in the house about him, and that person ended up telling him about it. And the piece of shit ended up pinning me to a wall and threating me I feel so stupid that I not only dated him after he asked me, if I was 16 ( I was 22), but there was more and more red flags that I was in such denial or kept to myself to avoid homelessness. I had no one I could trust to ask about these things to clarify and validate what I was feeling. I also felt I would've been judged by "friends" for it,.because they all got partners, married and houses at 22. He asked to have sex with me right after ovarian surgery and I was scared to tell him no. I tired couples counseling and he basically not only.manipulated me but also the therapist. I felt so stupid being friends with this manipulative asshole. Because I was alone with no friends..I should've when he asked me to be friends I should've blocked him and have him stayed blocked. I tried to block him.and tell him no when he asked me to sleep with him at 1 am in the morning..Only to tell his friends he didn't want to be around me and I was bothering him. And then when I did leave,.then it's was like " I needed you". Or when I kept distancing from him, he kept telling me to kys or that I was a horrible friend. And I wish I had a camera when he assaulted me and threatened to kill me and my family. And even taking away my cellphone when I tried to text my mom for help and deleting the text,.and pushing me onto the ground. My parents tried to go to the police and nothing came about. . Then he has the gall to ask a mutual.friend of ours to tell me that he is sorry. I felt even more of a pariah at my community college because he kept talking bad about me ( which he also did with his exes). Even one of his female friends, who not only saw the abuse, but I told her that he and her ex would casually talk shit about her, saw me cry when she asked me about the last time I saw him she had the fucking audacity to make a Facebook post calling herself " Mrs.X". I still pissed and angry to this day I put myself through all this. I should've asked the people in my group therapy session for help. I should've stayed broken up with him..

So eversince I was 12 there was this one, very old family member on my dad's side. We'd go to visit him every once in a while but everytime we'd visit him, he'd make snarky comments about the things I wear and would force me to sit on his lap. My body was developing so by the time I turned 15, he'd keep making me sit on his lap even when I told him I didn't want to. He kept forcing me to sit on his lap. There were times he'd like bury his head into my neck and it made me feel very scared. When I'd try to pull back he'd keep pulling me back in. When I was 17 we went to see him again, he pressed his forehead against mine and kept staring at my lips. When I tried to pull back he wouldn't let me.

I told my mom about this but she told me it was because he loved me so much. I let her know that it made me uncomfortable but she told me to suck it up and that we don't see him often anyway.

Was this sexual assault or am I just over exaggerating like my mom said? Btw. I'm 19 now and he keeps touching me like that.